


Figuring It Out

by Everyoneisheretoday5



Category: Butterfly Soup (Visual Novel)
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Overthinking, Questioning, crying because your friends accept you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:49:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27422242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everyoneisheretoday5/pseuds/Everyoneisheretoday5
Summary: Noelle finds out she’s a lesbian, and comes out to her friends.
Relationships: Akarsha/Noelle (Butterfly Soup)
Kudos: 69





	Figuring It Out

One night, the realization slams into her like a truck.

Noelle is just trying to sleep. Like every night. Some days it’s hard because she has work to do, or something came up, but she usually gets around ~4 hours of sleep at least. 

Well, that’s a lie, but it’s been better this year than it was when she was a kid.

And usually she’s able to drift off quickly, efficiently, be it through breathing excercises or pure exhaustion. But something has been keeping her up, her eyes drifting towards her white ceiling in the dark, for the past month, and it’s infuriating.

Akarsha.

Noelle isn’t sure what it is. She goes to school, she sees Akarsha, she argues and banters with her, she tries to keep herself from laughing because Akarsha is funny and makes her happy, and then she goes home and relives every moment to herself.

Sometimes she thinks about having conversations they haven’t before, trying out a joke she found online and Akarsha laughing and calling her a dork, or leaning into her side as they watch random YouTube videos that Akaraha picks out. Noelle points out the inconsistencies in them, because of course she does, but really she doesn’t mind.

And she wants to do those things with Akarsha for some reason.

Noelle wonders what Akarsha looks like with her hair down sometimes. Out of pure curiosity. Noelle herself never has her hair down, but she doubts that Akarsha would want to see it anyways.

Although she does remember an incident where Akarsha tried to get the elastic out of her braid as a prank by sneaking up behind her. Noelle knocked her away, teeth bared, but she didn’t do it as hard as she could have for fear of hurting her.

Despite how annoying Akarsha is (she isn’t really- she makes Noelle smile, and have this warm feeling in her chest…) Noelle wants to spend more time with her, and watch her just be herself, and… why???

She doesn’t think of Min and Diya this often. She’s… okay with Min, and Diya is her best friend, so of course she loves her, but she doesn’t think of her this much. Diya and Min have been dating for 2 years now, and Noelle didn’t think it was possible for two girls to date, or have romantic interest in eachother back in her freshman year, but that’s just another thing she didn’t know due to lack of research.

They’re still as sappy and ridiculous as they were in 9th grade.

_Does Min think of Diya this much?_

Noelle nearly startles, her eyes wide. 

_No_.

She can’t compare herself to… she can’t compare herself to a girl that likes girls. She’s straight. She’s straight. She’s supposed to be straight. Why wouldn’t she be? 

She’s going to marry a boy. That’s what her mother has told her. She’s going to get a boyfriend in college and marry him.

Sure, Akarsha is bi. And Min and Diya like only girls. But that’s them. There’s no way that all 4 people in a friendship could be gay. 

But the way that Akarsha’s face is unrentlessly stuck in her mind, that one piece of hair that flops over on the side, her signiature grin and dramatic expressions, her dumb questions… and just how much Noelle is affected by it… 

She forces herself to ask the dreaded question, for the sake of disproving it. In order to prove something doesn’t exist, you have to question whether it does. 

_Do I have romantic feelings for Akarsha?_

  
  


———

2 days later, she comes to the dreaded conclusion.

_Yes_.

She buries her face in her hands and screams quietly.

———

Noelle’s google searches:

  * How do you tell if you have a crush on someone

  * How tell if you’re gay

  * Am I gay quiz

  * Am I a lesbian 

  * Lesbian flags 

  * Why the heck are there so many lesbian flags 

  * Homosexuality in animals 

  * What is coming out




———

The flag in her pocket feels like a rock.

She hid it in the sweatshirt she keeps tied around her waist but never wears, but she can still feel it weighing her down. Maybe she’s focusing on it too much.

It has 3 orange stripes, 3 pink ones, and a white one in the middle. 

She bought it discreetly at a comic book store with some of the pocket money she’s saved up over the years. She knows the others will recognize it when she pulls it out. She only bought it so she doesn’t have to use her words. 

It’s lunchtime, and Akarsha is trying to annoy Diya again. She makes some stupid comment about her and Min, because that’s what she does (they all know she isn’t serious, it’s just whatever she can do to try and get a reaction out of them) and usually Noelle would have interjected at this point, but then Akarsha turns her head and winks at her.

_Fuck_. 

Noelle feels her face flush, and she opens her mouth to say something, but doesn’t, and closes it again.

Akarsha’s one of the biggest reasons she’s got a tiny flag in her pocket. 

She figured it out months ago, when she was laying in her bed and staring up at the ceiling, questioning her sexuality. It took her a long time to admit to herself that she might hold some romantic intent towards the other girl, so confessing to Akarsha is out of the question.

She’s not even sure she can come out at this point. 

She’s aware of the ticking of the clock on the wall, the way the hand is moving slowly across the face, ticking relentlessly, and Noelle swallows. 

She reaches for her sweatshirt, but then Min yells something, and she can see everyone in the cafeteria turn to their table for a second. Diya shrinks in her seat, and Min puts a threatening glare on her face. Akarsha looks like she’s trying her best not to laugh. After a moment, people realize that _oh, it’s just Min-seo,_ because this happens almost every day, and turn back to their lunches. 

Noelle puts her hand back on the table.

It’s best that she not cause a scene. 

——- 

The end of the day comes, with Akarsha, Diya and Min all congregating at the front of the school and talking before they head home. Noelle is slower than usual.

Her heart is beating so fast, she thinks it might burst out of her chest. Even though that’s impossible.

_It’s okay. It’s okay. Just… just pull the flag out. That’s all you need to do._

Noelle fidgets with the sleeves of her sweatshirt.

The thoughts that have been repeating in the back of her mind all day grow steadily louder as she approaches her friends. She feels almost queasy from nervousness.

After all, she’s not supposed to like girls.

That’s what she’s told herself her entire life, that’s what she’s been told by her mother, her father, society, nearly everything around her. Diya, Min and Akarsha break the mold. And now that she’s thought about it for a while, there was a few signs when she was younger, especially around Diya.

Still, the fear that they won’t accept her almost consumes her.

_What if they think I’m doing this for attention? That I’m just...copying them, so I’m not the one “straight girl” in their group?_

_Or maybe they won’t belive me. They’ll laugh it off, because why would I know anything? Akarsha figured out hers when she was 13. Min has known since she met Diya apparently. And Diya has known since Min came back._

_I’m 17. Why did it take me so long?_

_Why do I even want to come out to them? I…_

Noelle wraps her arms around herself, trying to reassure her mind that everything is going to be fine, it’s going to be okay, Diya and Min and Akarsha would never… she knows how awesome they are. And how much they care about her.

But while surfing the internet for answers and labels, she’s come across a lot of horrifying stories. 

The ones you thought cared about you and would accept you can turn on a dime when it comes to things like sexuality. Even though there’s no reason to. 

Why does everyone hate people like her and her friends?

“Frenchman!!” 

Noelle is snapped out of her head by Akarsha’s usual greeting. She doesn’t have the heart to reply back with “stop calling me that, I’m not French for the last time” though. She feels too nervous to speak.

Deep breaths. 

Akarsha eyes Noelle as stands silently in their circle, her usual grin changing to a look of concern. Diya notices as well, because of course she does, and surpisingly, even Min shuts up.

“...you look worried. Are you okay?” Diya asks. 

“You were quiet during lunch too,” Akarsha notes. She steps closer, (which isn’t helping Noelle at all) and passes off the worried look on her face for a smirk. “Did the demons of trigonometry steal your tongue?”

_That’s ridiculous_ , Noelle thinks. _There are no demons in trig._

“Yeah, what the fuck is going on with you?”, snaps Min in her usual style. “Usually, you’re like an annoying little box of complaints and corrections.” 

_I’m too obvious. Of course. Ugh._ Still, Noelle tries her best to keep her face as neutral as possible, and rummages around in her jacket without saying anything.

Her hand grasps the familiar cheap fabric, and she closes her eyes, waiting for the worst, before she whips the flag out in front of her.

There’s a sudden silence, and she opens her eyes cautiously to see Diya, Min and Akarsha staring at the flag wide-eyed.

Panic rises in Noelle’s chest with every tense millisecond, and she suddenly understands why Diya literally runs away to escape situations that make her anxious. Noelle feels like running as far as her legs will carry her. 

The feeling becomes too much, and Noelle turns on her heel. She should have never done this. She should have never bought the flag, or tried to figure out her feelings about Akarsha. 

She closes her eyes. She can’t face them. 

Who was she to ever think that she was anything else than what everyone thought of her?

Before she can make it two steps though, an arm wraps around her waist and pulls her close. It’s useless to struggle. Diya is burying her face into Noelle’s hair, and then she feels someone hug her from behind, wrapping thier arms around her torso to keep her from running away.

“It’s okay Noelle,” Diya murmurs. “We support you. Welcome to the club.” 

Noelle can’t stop the tears that prick at her eyes. Akarsha is hugging her, and so is Diya, and Min is holding the lesbian flag in her hand, looking at it and grinning. 

_They don’t hate me,_ she thinks with relief, over and over again. _They don’t hate me. They don’t hate me._

_They support me._

_I’m okay._

_I’m okay._

God, she isn’t used to this. 

Diya keeps saying reassuring words, and she’s pretty sure Akarsha is resting her chin on her shoulder. The thought of Akarsha being comfortable with her enough to do that only makes her cry harder.

Curse those stupid feelings that she can’t put into words.

“Holy shit dude-“ Akarsha unwraps herself from Noelle but goes to stand in front of her, as much as a mess as she is. “You’re crying so much. You do realize there’s like no chance that we wouldn’t accept you right??”

She’s still being half hugged by Diya in an unescapavle grip (Diya also happens to have one hand patting her hair for whatever reason. Guess she thinks it’s comforting. It is.) but Akarsha wipes her tears away while grinning anyways. Noelle almost jerks back in surprise, and Diya holds her still. She knows she’s smiling.

Min vaguely points at the group. “That’s gay.”

“Are you referring to me, Diya or Noelle?” Akarsha replies teasingly, “I know I’m bi, but we all like girls, so what’re you talking about?”

“I’m referring to the way you just fucking wiped the tears off of Noelle’s face with your hand, moron,” Min says, grinning. Noelle feels her face flush. “That’s pretty fucking gay to me.”

“oKAY Diya I think you can let me go-“ Noelle yelps embarrassingly, voice cracking. 

“Sure thing,” Diya says, releasing her. There’s a hint of teasing in her voice that Noelle is well accustomed to, but she still feels her face burn in slight humiliation. 

Akarsha and Min are still arguing with eachother. Weirdly enough, Akarsha actually seems to be trying to fight back a little, although the tone of her voice suggests that she’s not actually confident in what she’s saying. Noelle watches her, as it has become a habit of hers.

And it’s okay.


End file.
